Waves......

Waves. There are so many different kinds. There are the small waves that tickle your toes, wash away the sand, and leave you feeling renewed. There are the messy waves that knock you off your feet, that splash salt water in your eyes. There are waves that are like paintings; sandy blue with messy edges that are best left to roll forward while we watch. Then there are the big ones. The waves that you don't see coming, hidden behind the peaceful waves. They sneak up on you, blindsiding you. You loose your balance instantly, forgetting which way is up or down. Everything becomes blurry, disorienting, scary. Those waves suck you under, causing you to gasp at breath. You are merely just a puppet dancing in waves of strings. And swimming through it, you are, tangled, lost, drowning.

I've had that experience once surfing. I thought looking "up" that this was it. I might not make it to the surface. Then, by some twist of the waves, I bobbed up like a life vest jumping to the surface. I screamed to a friend nearby. He swam over and gave me short hand paddles and I plowed back to shore as if my life depended on it as it very much did at that moment. I loved to surf. I haven't surfed since that day.

Waves are stronger than they look. They don't just knock us off our feet. They can carry us away. That day at the beach, it felt like strong hands reached out and pulled me down. But waves don't just take you, they absorb into you.

I never quiet understood fully, until recently, why people talk about waves washing through you. Waves of sadness have no other route but to pass through.

You could be talking to someone about weddings, thinking about your favorite movie, writing an email, and BAM. The wave washes through you, seconds that linger like years passing by. You forget where you are. For a time, however long or short, you forget that you exist outside of that wave of sadness. It encompasses you. It swallows you.

Then, how ever many moments later, you remember that it was just a wave. It has an ebb and flow. So as it flows, it will also always recede. But those kinds of waves, they don't leave us completely right away. They leave a residue. It leaves us tarnished. It is as though while the wave washed through us, it stole something from us when it retreated.

As waves have washed over me in my life, both literally and emotionally, they have always taken their toll. Those waves while surfing took away my confidence to keep surfing. Present waves of sadness rob me of my endurance, perseverance, my sense of purpose. Even if it's only momentary, it still absorbs the possibilities around me, eliminating them from my view. And all I am left with is the feeling that I am permeable, susceptible to damage by even the smallest wave.

Maybe I will have the opportunity, and faith, to surf again. And maybe, I will be better able to avoid those waves that have blindsiding me. Till then, I will let the waves wash through in hopes that they will carry me through the dark waters to the light.