People have been telling me all my life to write. Someone told me today I should have a blog. So didn't want to be rude by letting people think I can't rise to the occasion. So here is my attempt at documenting life as I see it and feel it, day by day. I hope it touches whoever reads this in some way.
Today I am one day closer to dying. One day further away from living. Yet I am alive. But the reality of life and death paid me a visit today.
I found out a girl from my college graduating class passed away last year. Considering our 5 year anniversary is this year and I am 27, this is a shock. Even more shocking was that she was in medical school and died of brain cancer. Can you imagine, being in school and learning about everything that can destroy the body and how to fix it, and then hear that you are diagnosed with one of the very things you are learning about how to eradicate? She was 26 I think. I did not know her well. But looking at her pictures made me think of her smile when ever I saw her. She had kind eyes and a bright white teeth and perfectly blond hair.
The scary thing was, I had no idea until I got an email from the people organizing our 5 year reunion saying they would hold a memorial service for her at our reunion. Everyone in our graduating class got that email. How freaking sad? People you know, dying, gone and you don't even know. I wish I could know inherently, like in a psychic way, so I could do something to show that person I cared, if even in a small way. I instantly sent a message to a friend I know knew her in college. She said "I had a feeling you were gonna ask about her." I wanted to find out how she died because the memorial email did not say. It is a strange feeling to know that someone you once saw, every day, is gone. Knowing that you will never see them that way again.
The reality of mortality is ever more present the longer you live. And hearing about death to me only makes it harder to swallow, never easier. I was not friends with this girl. But hearing of her passing makes my heart sad in a very real way. To think, why her and not someone else? The scarier thought is: this will only continue to happen as I get older. And that thought is the scariest. I hate the reality of loss. How tangible it is, how unfair to seems, how unrealistic it feels to be given the gift of life only to know it will one day be taken away again. How does one come to grips with that reality? I wish I knew the answer. Because the fear of death, something that should not plague a 27 year old woman, scares the shit out of me. And however I ponder it, it never scares me less, only more.
I went to this deceased girl's facebook page. It was comment after comment about how her friends were thinking about her every day and missing her. I didn't feel right commenting on it but in a way, I want to. I hope in some alternate universe she knows that I thought about her today. I really hope so.
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